December 23, Forest View

Rocky, who is capable of more facial expression than I am, has lately been wearing such a look of confusion.  He sees Angela moving so slowly.  Things previously done in a rush, now take utmost care and attention.  “He’s asking ‘why?’” Angela says.  “Why is this happening?  What’s the meaning of all this?”  We look to Rocky to find our own bewilderment.

Angela’s steroid dose is now a quarter of what it initially was.  Perhaps this is why her left arm is more numb in recent days.  She is generally weaker.  Pain now returns more fiercely when her medication “runs out.”   She tries to keep a window between herself and her emotions, and to witness them as though watching weather against the forest outside, but storms are now passing.  There have been more tears.  She has screamed at God.  The steroid medication that had picked her up is now dropping her.

Thankfully, again, we are home.  There is now a sheet of snow on the meadow.  I finished work yesterday for the holidays.   We will be together, Angela and I, with Rocky and our cat, Alice, this weekend, and all of next week.  We will fill our fridge today with proper celebratory foods that will include lots of milk and honey.  Sacred music will scream from our stereo.  The fire will burn.  With the help of my brother, Greg, and his wife, Robyn, who arrive today to be with us for the week as well, I am sure we will have frequent laughs.  Often, as well, we will stare at each other in bewilderment. 

The bear, by outward appearances, seems to be doing very little, a full afternoon spent changing her bed linens, but, day and night, she has a dragon by the tail.  My friends, we are with her in her frustration, her determination, and her fear.  We suffer that she must bare so much of it herself.  When her nose bled suddenly last evening I tended to it with a white towel.  She commented on how like ink the blood was.  Afterward we ate Tarta de Espagnol. and watched a British sit-com.  What can we do?  We re-contemplated our vegetarianism.  Whatever it takes.

Bewildered or afraid, amused or anguished, we will keep you posted.