December 1, Galaxy

Time for Angela is now measured by the ferry passing back and forth outside her window.  She says she enjoys watching the clouds, and the way the light changes through the day in its reflection off  the Royal Military College across the bay.  She reassures me that she does not feel lonely.  She claims to be lucky to have this time for thought. 

The radiation technicians are impressed by how well she can "reposition" herself so accurately each day on the treatment table.  They also remark most favorably on her ability to stay still.  Angela says that these feats are only natural for her as they represent the only and most important work she has to do these days.  Her focus, however, does not deter her from noticing how the radiation machine is like a constellation.  She pleases the admiring technicians by saying that with the lights and movements of this machine, lying on the table is like moving through planets and stars.

It is not lost on us that finding the right position at any given moment is no small thing.   In fact for weeks now, sleep, or leisurely contemplation as the case may be, has only been possible by Angela's careful achievement and maintenance of a single position through the proper placement of pillows, limbs, neck and so on.  The radiation technologists are probably unaware of how much practice has gone into repositioning and staying still in Angela's case.  They are nevertheless right, of course, in admiring her. 

For the most part we felt prepared for whatever thoughts or memories present themselves to Angela at this time, as she moves through the planets or watches the ferry come and go from her view.  We anticipated insights. We did not, however, anticipate foreign thoughts.  As it happens Angela has been troubled by occasional "violent" ideas.  Devoid of impulse and clearly "odd" relative to any idea she has had before, these thoughts are puzzling in how unAngela they are.  I reassure her that if the thoughts are not coming from her, it's more likely the steroids sending them than the tumour.   With this in mind we welcomed a reduction in Angela's steroid dose yesterday and are waiting to see what a lower dose means.  Angela, in the meantime, remains patient as ever.  The types of thoughts of which we speak pass Angela by as planets or ferries anyway, and she shows no actual signs of violence at all. 

I too am a ferry these days, still back and forth between hotel and home.  Although there can be stillness within motion, I am looking forward to real stillness this weekend when we expect to have Angela at home and I expect to stay put.  We will keep you posted.