The hotel room has not yet returned to its mediocrity. There remains many moments, when we feel, very oddly, like we are on vacation. There is a continental breakfast served in the lounge downstairs, fresh towels in the morning, and a maid service sign to hang on the doorknob, all signs of a holiday. This evening we had take-out food again.
It is somehow amazing to me that I was able to leave here today, and leave Angela, to return home to Springbrook for a few hours. Only a few days ago we were fearing a catastrophe at any moment. Yesterday there was a kind of spell that I did not want ever to be broken. Today Angela's symptoms are "stable" again. There is no more or less pain, weakness, or numbness in her arms or hands. She has been more fatigued today, spending most of it in bed. She now fears esophageal spasms, and, rightly or wrongly, she is more tentative about what she eats. But no drama.
I found myself at home looking through the mail. I appraised our food supplies. We will especially need cat food right away. I'll need to make an appointment for the snow tires. I am now afraid of losing time, but I have to think about other things. Soon, it would seem, I will be working in Belleville, and Angela will be in Kingston, in the Confederation Hotel, back and forth for radiation treatments. This is the new normal. It is very hard to know how vigilant we should be. It is still hard to contemplate the uncertainties, and to think what all this "means." This is why we are somehow grateful to be taken up by the mail, the need for cat food, and the need to stay on track with Angela's pills and appointments. We are expecting highs and lows in the weeks and months to come, but we'll enjoy the highs, suffer the lows, and do what we have to do.
On the way home to Springbrook with my father today we picked up Rocky from Camp Bark and Meow, and I imagine he is right now stretched out in front of the fireplace where he belongs. Angela and I are together in the hotel. The vacation continues for the moment. It remains very nice to know that we are held in mind by so many friends. We'll keep in touch.
Colin, greetings from BC and thank you for the updates. It feels good to know how your days go. I am thinking of Angela with love and and hope for the best. Wishing you both strength and comfort.
ReplyDeleteWe had to land and wait for the truck to bring more jet fuel. There was no road where we were there in the middle of nowhere in the most north-western region of Alberta. It was a fairly nice day for the middle of November. I was happy that the pilot was not the talkative type. The geodesics guy was more of a threat to that absolute quietness that had been rendered in its true magnificence by the gradual silencing of the helicopter’s rotor. I walked away. There was just bush and more bush all around, high enough to preclude any attempt to try to stare in the distance, so then inevitably I had to look up to the perfectly blue sky from where we came and have been for hours. I couldn’t help but feel like an ant, misplaced in the bush, in the vastness of the true nowhere.
ReplyDeleteIt crossed my mind that I could get lost in that perfect labyrinth which offered no hint of finding my way back. But even if I were to get lost they had a helicopter so I was not worried. I had an apple in my pocket for which I had paid $4.95 in Rainbow Lake’s only store. I was pleasantly hungry, which is a good feeling to have. I placed the apple on a pile of twigs as an offering and my thanks for that beautiful nowhereness. That was a nice place to die. So clean. So quiet. No fuss.
I’m always surprised when I hear my name. It’s like somebody is tapping me gently on my shoulder. I had no choice but to respond. Playing lost would have been a costly game. I tried to memorize the direction of the call but then I didn’t bother. Like in an open dream I walked back quietly in a euphoric state of certainness. It took longer than I thought or maybe I didn’t realize how far I went. And then I saw the apple. The apple had no reaction when I looked at it. I leaned towards it and my shadow changed the colour of half of the apple. Still, no reaction. The whole apple changed it colour when I picked it up. And I walked back.
“I’m pretty sure we can make it to Fort Nelson from here.”
“Yeah, we can’t wait. Chris needs the light.”
“Anybody wants to share this apple with me?”
“No, thanks.”
“No, thanks.”
We were birds again. The Rockies welcomed us. I could barely control myself as I wanted to cry because it was so beautiful. I was a lucky bird. It was so sublime that I couldn’t resist and I let go a few tears.
“I’ll show you this place. We’ll get there in a minute. I wanna build a cabin there. I have almost everything I need. That’s where I want to die. I mean… to spend my last years with my wife. She’s half Cree, you know… She’s so beautiful… Wanna see her picture?”
“Yes, please.”
“Yes, please.”