It has been a good weekend. To have a couple of days without tests is already something. Add to this the side effects of high dose steroids (increased energy and appetite), very good pain control, a better fitting neck brace, and the opportunity to take angela to the hotel for a few hours both yesterday and today, and it suddenly feels as though we have the upper hand. One of our good luck charms, loulou, visited with her parents from montreal. Together we had splendid meals, both last evening, and again this afternoon. Joining us for lunch were flo and olga who also drove all the way in from montreal. Angela, amazingly, has been in fine form. She had many laughs this weekend. Even I found my worries somehow suspended for a few moments here and there.
The breaks from the hospital were essential. The extended exposure to the madnesses of the hospital is maddening in itself. We have both cracked up here and there. I myself lost my cool last night with a nurse and will have to apologize to her at some point for swearing at her. There are just too many stupidities in hospitals, not to mention absurdities, or even, perhaps most importantly, tragedies. These things weigh heavy on me at the best of times, so it does not help that I am "used" to them from my work and training. Under present circumstances I have clearly been growing tired. This is why it has been so good to have this weekend and some "breaks" from it all. Still how weird and eerie to enjoy some laughs and have angela "home" and appear so normal when I know at the same time that there is a tumor pinching her spinal cord, and when we have been warned that the radiation therapy will likely cause swelling in the next few days before "alleviation." Nevertheless, despite the many variables that remain "in the air," or perhaps because there are just too many of them to think through, we trust in our feelings. Presently I am feeling very optimistic.
Angela fell asleep almost immediately after our visitors departed. She has always valued an afternoon sleep as highly as red wine. We are glad to know she will be well rested for the coming days. I too will try to have an earlier night. Let's keep in touch.
Colin, how good it is only to have news from you and Angela but also to see that your humour is still alive despite the craziness. We are pretty pleased about that. Any motorcyclist today? Or just the nurse?
ReplyDeleteSanda and Carlo.
And then we must have at least one mirror in the house. Men have to shave and appear tidy and women have to look more attractive than they are. The bathroom. There must be a mirror there in our cave that shelters us. The food. The heat, the mirror.
ReplyDeleteWe’re still semi-tropical creatures. Up north we need to keep our body temperature nice and warm. Even at 21degrees Celsius we need to cover our body with clothes. We have to look like all the others to honour the sameness and be properly recognized as suitably integratable. Hence another bigger mirror. To make sure that we qualify and as such look presentable.
The physician. For a long time the physician looked at our face and body and always knew more than we saw in the mirror. We would be asked to stick out our tongue and we’d have an initial hesitation ‘cause we wanted to behave properly in front of the authority figure. But the doctor had already seen it all. So we stick our tongue out there and roll our eyes. It truly is delightful.
The medical checkups are the extra steps that are necessary in order to pass the great mirror test. Like the great apes, the elephants and the dolphins, we know very well who’s in the mirror.
Yet, why do we get used to being comfortable when we see ourselves in the mirror? Never mind. The mirror has to be clean. The spot has to be removed from the mirror so we look spotless.
Oh, but that spot is on my face. Melanoma and such. And now rosacea. No more sun? No more red wine? What would be left of me?
The doctor sends me to another doctor. This doctor uses different mirrors. He has lots of technicians who work with him. But I still have to figure out what the expression on his face means, so I can fathom if I look acceptable outside and inside. He has a way with words. How many times did he say that before?
I don’t read anything in his eyes. He has that pervasive medical gaze. Could I cross the street or not? Will please give me that much needed gaze that I can trust you? We’re all pedestrians.
Oh, doctor… My body has become an object. Laws and ethics protect it but it is still looked at as an object. The second industrial revolution required standards. All products have to be close to perfect or at least saleable. The same thing with services. The majority of the consumers need the best quality product for the lowest price.
But the doctor always gives you that little extra. Beyond the medical gaze you know that you are scrutinized by another human who wants the human species to be around for as long as possible. But let’s focus on the present.
As we are so much of what the others recognize in ourselves, we have to rely on their gaze as well. They are the other mirror test participants. How many people can we really know in our life time? Some experts say about 150.
It says it on the web, on more than one site, which is reassuring. Since we all have those mutant, pre-cancerous cells in our bodies, nature has decided to shut off the telomerase as we age, thus preventing these mutant cells from growing telomeres. Isn’t that kind of programmed death? Perhaps a trade off to reduce our lifespan in order to save us from being riddled with tumours? Imagine looking at yourself through the mirror. And you thought rosacea is bad.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, some pre-cancerous cells manage to reactivate their telomeres and this has caused the research to focus more on blocking telomere production rather than trying to extend it. I’m sure we’ll be able to figure it out. I have faith in applied medicine and accumulated knowledge put to good use.
Out there, when we cross the road we have to pay attention. In the hospital we are babies again. The doctor is the parent talking with a ready to snap teenager.
Well, now I understand that legendary medical gaze. I walk on the street without knowing who in the crowd is a physician. Might as well; everybody displays that medical gaze. And that is reassuring that our shared intentionality makes us humans over and over. It is reassuring that in spite of the medical gaze we all do care about one another, way beyond the 150 number.
Angela and Colin, we’re another 148 in the same room with you, who would like to look at you both with a different gaze. Those nuanced gazes that you’ve learned to like. Sorry; the actual math should be: 149 times 2. 298. Oh, the room is getting crowded. So, we’ll stick to the blog thing for now.
I just found out. I'm so sorry to be reading of this. Please call or email me. Elizabeth :)
ReplyDeleteAngela: I sent you an email with my skye name and my phone number if you wish to call. Colin: I don't have your email address. Can I help? I may be of assistance, if you want / need. Some useful skills include but are not limited to: doing the dishes, cooking (though not particularly well), laundry, ukulele-playing (a new skill!), dog-walking, being silly (and sometimes funny)... Elizabeth :)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.inspirehealth.ca/
ReplyDeleteInspire Health is an integrative cancer care centre / organization that may have some helpful info regarding nutrition (diet, vitamins and so forth) to help counter the strain of cancer treatment. they were very helpful to me.
Dear Colin and Angela,
ReplyDeleteBeing so technologically challenged, I wrote a note on this little square and it either got sent, or was erased...
I am truly devastated by this news... Your journal Colin, is exemplary! I believe that there are two writers in this familly. Andreas sent me your blog address today. What can I do... how can I help. Colin we live close to the University, maybe I can help with the apartment... Angela, your smile, generosity and energy are contagious! You will be well, you will get stronger... I know in my heart that you will be well, better and will soon be enjoying your beautiful home. You are an exceptional person and these qualities will give you strength through this difficult time.
What can we do...to help in any way...
Julie LeBlanc