September 3, Under a Blazing Sky

“I have such a good life.  That’s why I’m crying.  Who would want to give up such a good life?”

There was one day of cloud recently in what has otherwise been glorious weather.  Although we welcomed a little bit of rain, it was on this cloudy day that we received the results of Angela’s most recent scans: “a 2.5 cm lesion in the apex of the right lung suspicious for neoplasm.”  The radiologist recommends a biopsy of this.  She also recommends further investigation of “a lesion potential for myeloma at the vertex of the cranium.” 

Now we are waiting.  We are back to the Cancer Center in Kingston at the end of this week, this time to meet with a lung specialist. 

In the meantime we try not to think. 

Angela paints.  She is working on her largest canvass to date.  Along the very bottom she has painted a few boats tied to a pier.  Originally two of the boats were named “RESCUE,” and above them was a blue sky. 

Enraged, we looked at this image stupidly. 

“I do not need to be rescued,” our bear finally said. 

Now the sky is emblazoned, painted and repainted with variations of red, yellow, green, grey, blue.  The boats too are bolder.  Once named “rescue,” they are now called “COURAGE.”  

When I am not at work I have taken on dumb tasks.  We lost our internet connection recently so I have spent evenings booting and rebooting the modem.  I have jumped through hoops for technicians in India and New Brunswick who take me through various sequences of plugging in and out the modem, router, computer and so on.  The satellite people tell me it’s the router, the router people tell me it’s the modem.  They cannot know what anger I am displacing onto this.  Foolishly, while Angela slept the other day, I drove to Belleville to buy a new router knowing it wouldn’t work.  Finally, I am promised a visit by a technician.  Finally, like Angela, I am also finding courage.

We do not want to jump to conclusions.  We talk casually in the mornings about where we might go for Christmas.  We contemplate the potential for scar tissue and tell ourselves that these lesions may not be what they appear.   Angela reassures us that she feels strong.  Against the CT and x-ray images we have her blazing sky.

I blame the timing of this, in part, on Angela’s lifelong submission to the academic calendar.  We hoped to avoid a return to work this September, but in this, my friends, we know that we are not alone.  We are grateful for the continued words of encouragement that we still receive.  Let us not waste our time on dumb tasks.  Let us not paint things only as they appear.  Let us all return to work however we must, and let us all…be in touch.